Monday, December 5, 2011

Forgive your debtors.

 What is the difference between not forgiving and just not trusting a person, or being completely broken hearted by them? Jesus said in Matt. 6:15 that if we do not forgive that we will not be forgiven by our Father in Heaven. I want to be forgiven and honestly I truly want to forgive! But my heart is afraid with certain people. Or maybe I don't understand what forgiving is? Does forgiving mean that I open myself back up to that person? 
 Now some people we can forgive and get over things and they never have to be in our lives again, so that makes it a lil bit easier. But those that we love and are in our lives for good; once that trust has been broken after so many times and you are finally broken by it and have closed yourself off, then what? You have finally said I will not be hurt by you again, I love you and I am happy to have you in my life, I just don't trust you. Does that mean that we have not forgiven  or does it mean we just finally got smart and set good boundaries?
 Honestly I am sick of asking this question over and over again in my heart. Wrestling with it in my conscience. For so long I have not known what is right in this situation, I am like a double minded man when it comes to this! As a child I was put into situations that I had no control over so my only choice was to open my heart to those around me and trust them. As a child you know nothing else. You should be able to trust this right?
As I read the Lords prayer: forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.Matt 6:12 my eyes fill with tears. I hate that I struggle with this, but a heart can only take so much. How did Jesus do it?
 I wish that I could go back to being a child and love everyone never thinking that they would not love me back. But I guess that is not what love is, love is loving someone even if and when they do not love you.
I think that 95% of the time when we are holding things against someone it's not because we are mean and wanting to be unforgiving, it's because we are hurt, afraid even. This is where I need grace. This is where I need the perfect love to drive away all my fears! 
 In the past two years I gave up trying to do this in my own strength, I can truly say I am waiting on the Lord in this now. I may be adult in a lot of things but sometimes my heart feels like a lil child lost and afraid. This is what keeps me always falling back on the Lord, He is my shelter.
 Here is something I wrote in my journal a lil while back...Just me raw and open.

Fear grows in my mind
But I just said that I would trust you
Doubt pulls @ my heart
But I just said have your way
Do I know your way?
Do I walk with your voice in my ear? or mine?
Do I see what I want to see? or do I see what you want me to see?
Am I like a wave tossed back and forth on the shore?
Like a man who does not recognize his own reflection?
I call
You answer
You talk
I listen
You are faithful, just, and true
Make my mind and heart one with you!
I know that you know, 
That you see far beyond the mountain and tree tops 
So... while I am only a small stone cooled by the water that runs over me day by day, here in this valley,
I will believe that you are who you say that you are
the sun shining, ever shining, seeing it all, big picture, and little one to.
I guess this is a cry for help, a cry for understanding!!



3 comments:

  1. It can be hard to do both . Forgive and trust. God did say not to cast your pearls before swine lest they turn again and rend you. Then He also said to be wise as a serpent bit as innocent as a dove. So in both scriptures He's saying its ok to stand at a distance. If you're feel abused and misused then by all means step back. It doesn't mean you love less , or forgive less. It just means your a lot more careful then the time before. The inner most parts of your heart are like the most valuable jewels and are not to be cast away lightly. So I believe the Lord supports loving and forgiving your debtors; bit in the same token guard yourself so you are not used again. In some cases by-all-means make them earn your trust back. ;0)

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  2. Thank you Mel for the insight, that is very good and helpful :) Love you!

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