Now some people we can forgive and get over things and they never have to be in our lives again, so that makes it a lil bit easier. But those that we love and are in our lives for good; once that trust has been broken after so many times and you are finally broken by it and have closed yourself off, then what? You have finally said I will not be hurt by you again, I love you and I am happy to have you in my life, I just don't trust you. Does that mean that we have not forgiven or does it mean we just finally got smart and set good boundaries?
Honestly I am sick of asking this question over and over again in my heart. Wrestling with it in my conscience. For so long I have not known what is right in this situation, I am like a double minded man when it comes to this! As a child I was put into situations that I had no control over so my only choice was to open my heart to those around me and trust them. As a child you know nothing else. You should be able to trust this right?
As I read the Lords prayer: forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.Matt 6:12 my eyes fill with tears. I hate that I struggle with this, but a heart can only take so much. How did Jesus do it?
I wish that I could go back to being a child and love everyone never thinking that they would not love me back. But I guess that is not what love is, love is loving someone even if and when they do not love you.
I think that 95% of the time when we are holding things against someone it's not because we are mean and wanting to be unforgiving, it's because we are hurt, afraid even. This is where I need grace. This is where I need the perfect love to drive away all my fears!
In the past two years I gave up trying to do this in my own strength, I can truly say I am waiting on the Lord in this now. I may be adult in a lot of things but sometimes my heart feels like a lil child lost and afraid. This is what keeps me always falling back on the Lord, He is my shelter.
Here is something I wrote in my journal a lil while back...Just me raw and open.
Fear grows in my mind
But I just said that I would trust you
Doubt pulls @ my heart
But I just said have your way
Do I know your way?
Do I walk with your voice in my ear? or mine?
Do I see what I want to see? or do I see what you want me to see?
Am I like a wave tossed back and forth on the shore?
Like a man who does not recognize his own reflection?
You are faithful, just, and true
Make my mind and heart one with you!
I know that you know,
That you see far beyond the mountain and tree tops
So... while I am only a small stone cooled by the water that runs over me day by day, here in this valley,
I will believe that you are who you say that you are
the sun shining, ever shining, seeing it all, big picture, and little one to.I guess this is a cry for help, a cry for understanding!!