Thursday, January 31, 2013

My Heart Bleed

Today I read on one of my favorite blogs, After His Smile, how they were going to start the process of adopting their second adopted child, a little girl. And then I lost it! I could not stop crying! I called my mom crying like a 3 year old who wants something that is age appropriate for 12 year old's. I proceeded to cry and be angry about how we do not make enough money, our house is not big enough, on and on. I lost faith for a moment there, I began to tell myself that I needed to let this go because it will never happen.

 My heart bleeds for my child. I long for the process of the whole thing. Like being pregnant starts the process with our biological children, I long to get pregnant with this process so I can start the forming of my relationship with my baby. Being pregnant can suck and I know that lots of adopting will to, but that's just having kids period, they give us all the joy and love that our Mama and Papa hearts could ask for, and they stretch us beyond what we thought we could go.

 After I got off the phone with my mom I ran a quick errand. As I was pulling out from my errand, I had to cross 4 lanes that are always busy, this always makes me nervous. As I pulled up to go out there were a few cars on both sides and then nothing, no one was even coming. Right then I heard the Lord say,  "When I make a way it will be HUGE!" I am still letting this go to my heart.

 So when Luke came home I was sad, mad, and just plain not nice. He was like baby whats wrong and I was like G R O W W L L!! I began to cry and yell, I was in a state of disrepair and meanness!! After we both got out how we felt, Italian style, we came to the same heart conclusion. We want this so bad not just one of us, but both of us. We both want to start talking with some people and we are already working to get fiances all figured out, story of my life, and get a bigger house, aaaand that I am super impatient! I mean I knew all this but I guess that I needed to hear the words, " Let's get stated, let's start taking steps while we get these other things done as well!"

 So this is my journey, this is my process. This is how my family is growing  struggling, and figuring things out.My problem is I dream these dreams and while I do believe in dreams coming true, I mean look at my babies :), I have, I really, really, have to except the process!!

 I am writing this to build my faith. So that when I am holding my adopted baby I can say see the process is good and God is faithful!

 Just so you know I am also excited and I can't wait to have our fourth and last biological baby. I can't wait to see her face, God has spoken to me about her since I was pregnant with Haddie. I don't know for sure when she will come but she will be a powerful little blessing.

 I guess you could say that I am called to babies because I love them :) AND it will, really all, be ok!!





Thank you for listening to my heart 
Love You,
Love
B






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3 comments:

  1. I have so many feeling from reading this. My heart is burning in my chest right now. .... this is so Raw its beautiful. In all your writings ive never read anything more real than this. Ive tried to write to you 3 different times about this post. Its either satan trying to stop me from telling you what G-d wants you to hear or its G-d stoping me from saying it . So if this posts this will be what G-d is impressing me to say.
    This will sound a bit jumbled up but when I tried to make heads or tails of it I keeps messing it up. So im going to blurt it out. And you can sort through it.

    I feel your child is coming soon.

    Give G-d a wide birth. When He fulfils your desires it will be like the flood gates are raining down

    Delig

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  2. "Delight yourself in Me and I will give you the desires of your heart"

    "G-d is not a man that He should lie"

    And this keeps repeating in my head

    And G-d said " I AM, THAT I AM"

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