So need-less-to-say this may not be the most well written post ever. The contractions are getting stronger at night and some during the day. We are all set to have a home birth and my sweet friend let me use her totally amazing birth pool- it's so great I am very excited! I have so much to be thankful for; God has been faithful to me and my family. Yet I am struggling in my tired, overwhelmed mind and body to remember to be thankful. I guess I have a choice here, to find thankfulness and choose to be thankful or feel justified in my un-thankfulness. I could choose to view the world through my bitterness, jealousy, anger, and un-thankfulness, thus allowing these things to linger and stay in my thoughts and change the way I see people and the world all together.
Guilt, I feel guilty and afraid about every thing. Hormones or old ghosts?
I hate that I am feeling all this right now, right before I have this beautiful baby girl, this promise. But with that said I know that leaning into The Lord and choosing to be thankful are up to me. The grace and the strength are there if I so choose to accept it. In all this tiredness, fogginess, waiting and anticipation I want to find my joy again. It's amazing how just being worn out and tired can make you feel crazy. Simply empty and numb.
OK so this was really hard to get out and took way to long, my brain is smoking!"
These are words I wrote a few weeks before I had Zion. I felt stuck and numb, unable to move. And now here almost a month later I am ripping paper out of Hadassah's note book to get paper because the words are flowing and I am feeling clearer now. I am totally tired and still getting use to having four. I definitively have my moments of, " I am going to freak the... well you get it! But the words are flowing again!
So here is my advice. After having 4 babies and each one being different thus each recovery being different as well, this is what I have to say on the subject of getting through it happy :)
1. Ask for help no matter how weird and hard it feels. This not only helps you but those you ask for help from. Community is built by both giving help and asking for it!
2. Get a midwife and ask her for natural ways to help and talk with her about how you feel.
3. Talk to other honest moms, they will know just how you feel. And while they may not have answers they will laugh with you about all the cra cra!
4. Rest. And don't feel guilty about it. Sleep while you can.
5. Eat healthy. Don't give in to the sugar like I have way to much! Minus dark chocolate.
6.Pray a lot! Get a vision from The Lord for both you and your baby.
7. Drink lots of water ( also something I struggle with!) insert picture of me drinking a glass of water with my cup of coffee sitting next to it.
8. Go follow THIS blog. She has real advice for you.
9. This to shall pass, in about two years. It takes about two years for your hormones to get back to normal. But for real. In the hard moments remember it will not last forever. In the hard moments find the sweetness because that's right, this will not last forever.
10. Here is the kicker. encapsulate your placenta. I am not kidding. This was God's natural way to help with all those crazy hormones. I finally did it this time and it has been a beautiful thing. Just ask my husband!
Below, the first picture, is me with Zion for the first shoot we did around 28 weeks. I asked Luke to snap a few with the same clothes in the same places a few days before she was born. Did I even have a bump in the first ones? Being pregnant is like being a mother, such a beautiful hardship.
Zion's space in our room.
The banner around her bed, are words and prayers from all my sweet friends, for Zi, from my shower. Here is a link to pictures of my shower on my friends blog.
The first time Blue saw Zion.