His Needs Her Needs: Part 2 Sex

September 22, 2015

I am dying to know, has anyone gotten the book yet? What were your thoughts? Were you happy or sad? Mad or had joy?

Ok so here is the post that you can either think is awkward or just a part of life. I guess my question is this; why does sex have to be a "weird/ awkward" thing to talk about? As a living thing on this planet we were all made to have sex, reproduce, make life, and enjoy each other. Plants, animals, and humans alike. So what's the problem?

When I ask people who are having problems in their marriage what is going on, almost 100% of the time one of the main issues is centered around sex. Men may think their wife does not want to have sex with them, and women may think sex is all their man wants.

This causes the man to feel rejected as a man, and a lover. Women think he's a pig- gosh get a grip. BUT that's just rejection and misunderstanding aka needs not being seen or met, not the root of the real problem.

When a man has sex or makes love to his wife he feels a deep connection and love bond with her, causing him to feel more loyal and devoted to her needs. And women, when valued and communicated with, feel this same way when they make love to their husbands. So where in the world is the DISCONNECT? Or woman may feel completely ashamed, or even feeling rejected after sex, this literally boils down to one thing, communication.

I have felt this way many times and have heard many, many woman say this as well: "When we were dating it was so different, we couldn't keep our hands off each other!" And this is where a lot of cheating and divorces come in, the search of such beautiful utopia once again. Here's the problem with that philosophy, this is a repeating pattern that lands you back in the same place over and over again, never seeing or admitting your own flaws and short comings, thus never learning how to fight for your love.

" The typical wife doesn't understand her husband's deep need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife's deep need for affection."
His Needs Her Needs pg 50

So how and why is sex so very important for a great marriage yet seems to be so very difficult?
I think that the answer is two things, not easy things by any means, but two things:

One: Communicate. When it's hard, when it hurts, when you are both sad or angry. Communicate.

Two: Valuing and be valued in return: Oh man that can be a lot of things. Forgiveness, listening and remembering, compromise, thinking of the other person more than yourself, in bad times and good times, respect...

The building for love making, also known as foreplay, starts long before you are in the bedroom. When my husband does the dishes, helps with the kids, helps me around the house and goes to work these are all loving me. When he asks how I am doing and shows me kindness and affection before the bed, these are all his love for me. When he talks through and communicates with me about our sex that also opens my heart sexually to him.  The truth is guys in the core of who we are as woman, we are sexual beings, we want to have sex with our husbands! We don't need you to convince us of wanting to have sex; you need to make us feel safe, valued, we need you to listen to what turns us on and not just be a bull in a china shop. And we need the safe vulnerable place to figure out what those things even are. It's easy to feel sexy when you are standing up, with all your clothes on looking fresh to death in your new outfit, it's not as easy to feel sexy when you are naked, not completely in control of the most intimate parts of yourself, and opening all of who you are before another. For woman sex is a womping 85% emotional, that's crazy. When I learned that it helped me to understand my sexual self so much better. Figuring each other out is a complex rubiks cube, but that is the adventure and yes the ache, but the adventure of marriage.

Do the questionnaire, you can print it off online, maybe you don't know exactly what YOUR needs are and maybe you don't understated his. The book will help and time, love and communication will blossom the love that is already growing there.

" Marriage is a very conditional union. If a husband does not try to meet his spouse's needs, and she does not try to meet his, they may be technically married but they will not know the happiness and fulfillment marriage should provide. But if both sides want to listen to each other and change, a couple can solve their problems without much difficulty."
His Needs Her Needs

This is a deep, deep subject that cannot be all talked about in one blog post, nor do I have all the answers, I'm on this journey with you. If you are not married and you are reading this young or old know that learning about sex is not this horrible dirty thing that we have been taught. It's just that all things are beautiful in their time. We have been empowered to have sex in it's most pure and beautiful place and that is in marriage.

The next His Needs Her Needs blog post will be written by my husband Luke Stasi. I am really excited to share his perspective.

Love

Picture by: Bradley Lanphear

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