A few months ago the weight of this past years advents were so heavy on me I felt as tho they would crush me. Yet as I have been reflecting on this past year, and this year to come, I have literally wept over God's goodness to me and mine. Remembering, seeing how His song enveloped me and pulled me into His wisdom and light. Showing me what really was, and is.
This is what it means, " That He turns all things for our good." We see the pain, we see the trauma, we see the heart ache, we feel it all around us pressing ever harder and darker, our heart tells us, " Surely this is it! This is were you end, you can't take much more!" And of course your mind nods in agreement.
Oh pain you are a wretched thing, like a monster in the night haunting me. Why do I give you so much power? You are loud like a pot being smashed up against my head, " OK! OK!" I say, "You win!" But the sadness is actually harder to carry, it's darkness empty of all even the monster, yet entirely empty. No sounds, no movements, no wind, no song. The air is so thin I can't breath it in, a sickness falls upon me. I hate this! Now there is a new presence, the presence of hatred. My stomach turns and my mouth waters. My body longing for freedom, and my heart growing harder, harder, and ever harder still. It begins to sink in my chest. My lungs and ribs being snapped by it's weight. I begin to fall like falling in a huge deep dark water.
If you listen you can hear His song over you. It's love. A love that both gives you grace and calls you to get up even when your legs feel broken. Swim! A love that is gentle and fierce all at the same time. A love that lets me cry and tells me it's time to stop now.
When I choose to see His goodness in even my pain, well a new song is sung, a new light is shinning. Tho my scar's are still there, they do not go away, they too can remind me of what was and what is to come.
I have been dwelling on these things much the past few days. Making list's and taking count. Trying to let go of guilt, and find His wisdom in my human frame. Wanting to explore and be adventures in the wisdom of God and not of man. And still, ever and always, learning to love God, myself, and people.
I have a lot planned for 2016. Travel, stillness, discipline, rest, going after dreams yet to be seen. Finding peace where I am, while still going after more. Falling deeper and so much more in love with Jesus and my husband. I'm hopeful and excited, yet I can feel the growth from this past year, I am feeling more patience, quietness in my spirit, I can't put my figure on what it is exactly, I just feel it. I can't wait to share with you all that I have planned!
Blessings to all your hearts this New Year. That indeed it would be that, a renew of your hearts and minds.